


Happiest Place On Earth, The

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-05-29
Updated: 2002-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 00:44:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11346504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Disneyland.  Scully.  Mulder.  Alex.  Public nudity.  This year, for Alex's birthday, it's going to be a walk in the park.





	Happiest Place On Earth, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Happiest Place On Earth, The

## Happiest Place On Earth, The

#### by David S.

Date: Wednesday, May 22, 2002 1:48 PM  
Title: The Happiest Place On Earth  
Author: David S. Website: http://www.hegalplace.com/david/ Rating: R  
Keywords: MSR, M/Sc/K, humor, PWP  
Disclaimers: I do not own the X-Files. I am not a ninja master. I _was_ on the grassy knoll, but I was just having a picnic. Summary: Disneyland. Scully. Mulder. Alex. Public nudity. This year, for Alex's birthday, it's going to be a walk in the park. Archive: Suuuure. Why not? Just let me know so I know where the kids are.  
Notes: You could argue that this takes place in Shan's "One Strainer" universe. :) That's up to Shan. ;) Either way, it assumes that our favorite three are in a happy, loving relationship. Special thanks: To Shan for starting the whole "I Never" thread! This story is in direct response to the "I never had sex at Disneyland" post. Also, it brings back pleasant memories of when She, I, and Satina were at Disneyland. No, there was no public nudity in real life. Maybe next time. ;)  
More special thanks: To Satina for her beta and posting help. I couldn't have done it without ya, babe! Well, I could've...but it would've looked like shit.  
Spoilers: Nope. Lucky you.  
Feedback: If you want. This was mainly just a lark. :) But if you wanna.... send to: 

* * *

"He wants to see what?" Scully stopped in her tracks, giving Mulder a dumbfounded look, which for Scully was pretty fucking rare. Mulder tried to suppress a smile, but she spotted the corners of his mouth creeping ever-so-slightly up, and she punched him in the arm. "You're laughing at me!" 

"No," Mulder said, thinking of Bosnia and other not-funny things. "No. I just have a nervous twitch." Mulder made his lips and eyelid spasm violently. 

"Knock it off. I'm not showing Alex my tits in the middle of Disneyland." She furrowed her brow slightly, quite sure that would make the top five strangest things she had ever said. Well, aloud at least. 

A way too intense-looking-for-Disneyland suburban mommy steered a stroller in Scully's direction. She was wearing a fanny pack large enough to carry supplies for oh, say the Osmond family. 

"Woody!" she yelled in a fearsome bellow, causing Scully to jump. The woman breezed by her, running over Scully's toe with her gargantuan SUV of a stroller. Several kids followed, running and screaming as if their hair were on fire. 

"Oww!! Sonofa--!" She turned to glare at the overly aggressive mother and her screeching brood, but they had vanished, swallowed up by the teeming hordes that congregated on a beautiful summer Saturday at the Happiest Place on Earth. 

Mulder shifted, unsure of the protocol of such a situation. "Bitch!" he yelled loudly into the crowd. He nodded his head authoritatively as if that had resolved the matter. 

"Thanks, Mulder," she said dryly. She knelt down and rubbed her little toes. The redness was fading. 

She was so cute, Mulder thought, knowing through experience that now would not be a good time to voice such an observation. 

"Where is that rat-bastard boyfriend of yours anyways?" she grumbled to her foot. 

Mulder laughed. "Oh sure... when you're pissed at him, he's _my_ boyfriend. I gotcha." 

Mulder scanned the area, one hand resting on his forehead trying to block out the sun. The light reflected off a gleaming futuristic piece of metal around the line for Space Mountain, causing him to squint. It would be impossible to find Alex when he didn't want to be found. Him and his games. Mulder tapped at a flesh-colored piece of plastic in his ear. 

"He's...I don't know, Scully. This is all he gave me." He gestured to the device wedged in his ear. 

"A hearing aid?" 

"Heh." He grinned. "Uh, no. It's a communication device. He's giving me instructions on what to do." Mulder sighed. "Typical." 

"When he said he wanted to go to Disneyland for his birthday, I just assumed..." Scully twirled her hand. 

"Yeah. I know," Mulder agreed. "But you know him." 

They started to plow their way towards a bench, that inexplicably, was free of people. 

"So he can see us?" she said. 

Mulder nodded, taking her hand. "Evidently." He made his way through two elderly Japanese tourists, pulling Scully behind him to the bench. 

His triumph was short-lived however, when four seconds later three pre-teen cheerleaders ran past him and plopped down on the bench, giggling and laughing. 

"He can see us, all right. Cause he's laughing his ass off." Mulder tapped his ear. "Shut up, already Alex!" 

"And he wants me to show him my..." 

Mulder looked at her and licked his lips. His eyes looked slightly feral and unsafe. "Say it, Scully." 

Scully smiled, relishing his reaction. "My _tits_ ," she said slowly. "We could get arrested, Mulder." 

Mulder brought his hand up to his chin. "Hmm, well, actually, *you'd* be the one exposing yourself," he reasoned. 

Scully stared at her white, open-toed sandals, trying to hide her smile. Something about all of this _did_ seem appealing, for some reason. 

"Birthdays!" she muttered. "Man. You guys!" She turned around, futilely trying to spot Alex in the crowds. She _knew_ the bastard was watching. "I can't believe I'm considering this!" 

Mulder cocked his head. "Oh, he's begging now, Scully." 

"Alex? Begging? That doesn't seem right." 

"Oh yeah... you should hear him when he doesn't get any for awhile. He'll beg." Mulder smiled pleasantly. "He likes to beg." 

"Still..." Scully said doubtfully. 

"Okay, now he's officially whining," Mulder said. "We've got major whineage. It's pathetic, really." 

"Oh. Well, then," she replied. "I guess I have to. I hate to reduce poor Alex to this." 

Mulder's face lit up. "He's rejoicing. I've never heard him this happy. Very excited." 

"Uh-huh." Scully tilted her head up and even before she could lower her eyes, Mulder responded to her body language, leaning in to complete the kiss. He had been trained quite well. 

"But on _my_ birthday...look out," she whispered. 

"I can't wait," Mulder managed to say, proud of his ability to string two words together, let alone three. 

It was bad enough seeing Scully in shorts and a tight white tank-top. But when she did the kiss-thing? And looked at him like that? He was fucking helpless. 

The two stared at each other for a few seconds. Mulder couldn't or wouldn't unlock his eyes from her...she looked so damn good, the white of her shirt complementing the red flush of her hair and face. It was the type of shirt that would look good wet. He wondered if he could direct the conversation towards Splash Mountain without arousing suspicion. 

She held his gaze, feeling the barely locked-up heat. She loved the way he tried to hide it, unsuccessfully. Finally, she looked away, temporarily releasing him. 

"So, what now, Mulder? Surely he doesn't expect me to flash the thousands of tourists trying to find where the juice bars are sold." 

Mulder held his ear, trying to hear Alex's instructions. "Okay...Okay... _Oh_...Kayyyy." 

"Mulder," Scully asked, her mind justifiably worried at whatever debauchery those two were cooking up. She envisioned them trying to get a picture of her naked with Goofy. 

"Umm, let's walk, let's walk," he said grinning, distracted by whatever Alex was whispering to him in his ear. Mulder put his hand around her waist, comfortably, but firmly, and guided her forward. "C'mon Scully... He says we need to go to the Indiana Jones ride. What's it called? Indiana Jones and the Forbidden...Trail-Mix?" 

"I'm going to flash everybody at the Indiana Jones ride?!" she exclaimed, causing two ten-year-old boys to turn and snort with delight. She shot them both her _look_ and their faces turned dead-serious. They vanished into the crowd as quickly as they could, presumably to get to the Indiana Jones ride. 

"Bathrooms are that way, boys!" Mulder yelled, laughing. Disneyland was fun when you brought the family. And really, nothing said family values like a guy, a girl, and their boyfriend who was engineering some sex game for them to play. He directed her short frame so she was in front of him, and guided her through the crowd, one hand on her waist, one hand on her shoulder. 

"I won't do it, Mulder," she warned, a smile on her face that said that she just might consider it. 

They walked together through the sea of people, eyes distracted by the candy-colored tea-cups and second-tier Disney characters. Evidently, only an event of the highest magnitude could guarantee a sighting of a Mickey or Donald. Today they were stuck with some guy in a Piglet costume, looking appropriately cautious and nervous about the kids circling him and laughing insanely like they had just stepped out of "Lord of the Flies." 

Mulder took a perverse thrill in rubbing his quickly hardening crotch against the soft curve of Scully's ass as they walked. She pretended not to notice, but she seemed pleased with herself, knowing that no matter where they were, to Mulder, she would always be the main attraction. Well, her and Alex anyways. She could live with that. Especially if she could watch them fuck. 

His hand, resting comfortably on her waist, slid down and indulged a quick squeeze. 

"Mulder," she protested, but his hand was quickly back up to her waist. He tried a look of innocence and bewilderment that failed to convince her of anything but masked lechery. 

"Your ass," he whispered, shaking his head. 

"Yes?" she said, playfully. 

"I don't have the words, Scully. I don't have the words." Mulder cupped his ear. "But Alex has a few words." He started giggling. "Yes. Yes. I like that part too." 

"What? What is he saying?" 

"Yes, she is extremely fuckable. Oh. Oh. Thank you, Alex. I think you're fuckable too." Mulder leaned in closer to Scully's ear. "He thinks we're both very fuckable." 

She nodded slowly, thinking it over. Hey, why argue? 

"Okay...here's the plan, Scully. Alex has...and don't ask me how...control over the security cameras. He's tapped into them and he can view each one, dubbing a tape loop over for any of Disney's finest who may be watching. They will see nothing. He...will see...everything." His hand was down on her ass again, giving it more of a satisfying feel than before. "There's a camera in the Indiana Jones ride that Alex has selected for optimum viewing." 

"Okay...well, let's get in line..." 

**TWO HOURS LATER**

"So, if you call me Indy, I can call you Marion." 

"Forget it, Mulder." 

"No, no, this'll be cool. And then you can say to me: 'I'm your goddamn partner!'" 

"I say that all the time." The line moved two feet and they inched forward. "He couldn't have had a fantasy about the "Small World" ride could he?" Scully remarked. "I mean that would have taken 30 minutes, tops." 

"Hey, we're almost there!" Mulder perked up. 

Scully ignored him. "Now this is the true California experience. Waiting in some sort of line. Gotta hand it to 'em." 

"Scully, the line's moving! And I mean for real this time. It's not circling around in the opposite direction anymore." 

They made their way up the wooden plank to the entrance. An attendant let them in, cutting the line off behind them. 

A stream of cool air awaited them as they walked into the dimly lit corridor. Scully couldn't help but notice a beautiful Goddess painting smiling at them as if she not only knew what they were doing, but somehow approved of it all. 

"Besides, Scully," Mulder said, grabbing her hand and pulling her in. "Maybe he's saving "It's a Small World" for last." Mulder held onto his stone-face for a few seconds before his face crumbled into a grin. 

The revelers in their group seemed intent on rushing through the hallways as fast as they could to get to the more thrilling aspects of the ride. If they only knew. 

"Slow down, Scully," Mulder whispered. "Let's put some distance between us and them. Alex says we have approximately 20 seconds before they release the next group behind us." 

"Where does he want me?" Scully said, her eyes looking for a hidden camera between the cobwebs and the text ornately scrawled on the walls. 

"Oh really?" Mulder said delighted, holding his ear. "Really?" he repeated, quickening his pace and pulling Scully along. 

"What?" Scully asked. 

They turned a corner and saw that the walls had spikes sticking out of them. There were spikes everywhere, in fact, some with skulls stuck on them. A full skeleton lay in the corner. There was no camera around its neck, so presumably, it wasn't a tourist. 

Mulder came to a stop. "Here?" He paused, waiting for Alex's order. "Here." He looked at Scully who was looking around, doubtfully. "Hey says if you face directly towards that inscription..." He pointed to the opposite side of the wall. "He can see you perfectly." 

Scully looked up and down the corridor, listening to the screams up ahead and the excited jabbering down the hallways behind them. They didn't have much time. 

"He says you got about twenty seconds before the next group catches up, Scully," Mulder said, checking his watch. 

She paused all of two seconds. "Oh, all right!" she said, her head darting from side to side, looking for any movement. She backed up to the part of the wall where no spikes would be poking her...in the ass or otherwise. Beside her a skull was facing her, leering. She looked at it and turned its head away. "Sorry, you're out of luck." 

She looked at Mulder. He grinned and nodded encouragingly. She gripped the bottom of her tank and pulled it up over her chest. The voices down the hallway were getting louder. 

Mulder's Adam's apple raised as he swallowed. He blinked rapidly, then forced his eyes to stop and focus, not wanting to miss a nanosecond of this. She looked radiant there among the spikes and weathered stone. She was always a walking fantasy come to life, but this... 

The chattering of tourists were getting louder. Scully peered around a spike, nervously. She had an excited, but urgent look about her. 

"Let me help you," he said and he was _there_ , instantly, undoing the front of her peach colored bra. "Yes, I know you can't see," Mulder said, distractedly. 

"Hurry up, Mul-" 

Mulder leaned down and kissed her, his mouth and tongue taking away any arguments. She could hear Alex yelling from far away, his voice tinny and small from the device in Mulder's ear. But...mmmm... it was so easy to get distracted by his kiss, his hands, his cock rubbing against her hip. 

While they kissed, Mulder's fingers grabbed the soft fabric and pulled, exposing Scully's breasts to the chilly central air flowing through the tomb. Her nipples, the color of a soft rose, became erect. 

In the background, voices were becoming louder, buzzing together like white noise. They were surprisingly easy to tune out. 

Mulder looked down at her, unable to speak. He didn't have to. His face, dark with want, said it all. He knelt down, grabbing her by the waist. He decorated the full curves of her tits with short, hot, wet kisses, his breaths becoming quick and urgent. He forced himself to slow down and he began to circle her nipple with his tongue, carefully, savoring the feel of her softness underneath him. She flinched and gasped, bringing her hands around Mulder's head. 

A muted voice shouted Mulder's name. Mulder jerked away from her, holding his ear. "OWW! Jesus, Alex, you didn't have to yell!" He shuffled backwards looking and feeling drunk off his ass. He was, in a way. Drunk on her. How could he not be, he thought. She was Scully. He staggered until he felt the cold wall behind him. Scully smiled as if she was smiling for a camera. 

"That good?" she said putting her hands behind her neck, forcing her breasts to rise. 

"Ohhhhh," was all Mulder could say. His clenched his fingers into fists repeatedly. "Perfect," he tried to say, but it came out a dry whisper. 

She waved. "Hello, Alex. You owe me, you know." 

"This is the _BEST_ part!" a voice said down the corridor. 

"Yeah! This is going to be so cool!" another chimed in. 

"Mayday, mayday!" Mulder shouted. 

Feverishly, Scully cupped a breast and put the silky garment around it. A familiar couple of ten year olds rounded the corner. Scully stood and looked at them, one breast, exposed in one hand, the other hidden underneath her bra. Their faces turned white as ash. 

"Holy..." one started. 

"Shit!" the other one finished. 

They were frozen, eyes locked on Scully's chest, their mouths literally agape. 

"Out!" Mulder yelled, lunging toward them. 

They let out high-pitched screams and ran back the other way, their frantic voices echoing off the walls. 

Scully fastened her bra and pulled down her tank top. They stared at each other and as the rest of the crowd rounded the corner they started to giggle. 

Mulder put his arm around her. "Heh. You've just jump-started puberty for them. You know that don't you?" 

"Yeah," she agreed, her eyes sparkling with a happy adrenaline. "What about you?" She nonchalantly slipped her thumb into Mulder's back pocket, the rest of her hand hanging out and lightly brushing Mulder's ass. "Jump-start anything?" 

Mulder smiled, lowering his eyes. "Oh yeah," he said eloquently. 

"And what about Alex? Was it a happy birthday for him?" 

"Heh. I think he came somewhere over in Frontierland. Now he wants me to masturbate myself on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." 

Scully let out a snort. "Now _that_ I'd like to see. I may even help." 

"Well, anything for love, I always say..." 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

* * *

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to David S. 


End file.
